Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
