I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
