remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
