I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
