are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
