Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
