Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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