D3 body, D1 cock
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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