eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
