He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
