fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
