1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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