I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
