I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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