Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Randomize
