He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
