SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
