Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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