I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
