He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
