you traded sex for a burrito?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
