Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
