i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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