i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
