YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
