You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
