How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So many bounce houses so little time
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
