Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
