Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Two words: blizzard sex
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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