I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
