I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
