Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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