Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
