I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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