Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
