I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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