I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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