Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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