Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
