nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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