Define "chronic" masturbator.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
