how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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