I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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