then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Im part way to drunk.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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