Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
