New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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