what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
