OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
