i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
