i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
