At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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